Recently a friend posted on Facebook the following quote:
If you have people in your life that are pot stirrers, it is best NOT to hand them a spoon.
Whiskey responded with: Well don't hand them a knife either because they will stab you in the back.
Fancy said: What about people who poke the bear? Don't hand me a stick because I poke the bear....
Too true, too true!
Friday, June 15, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Awkward Encounters With Hillbilly Stick
While I'm on the subject of the Bill-ster, I thought I would just give a rundown of all the freakishly awkward encounters that occurred while I was in the disgusting desert.
Awkward Encounter #1
UB--Yes, Uncle Billy, keep up with me, walked by me, as I sat on the couch, and gently caressed my delicate, but firm cheeks with the back of his hairy hands.
Actually, this is more like encounter #100, but due to the aromas of the moonshine, I can no longer recall the first 99.
Awkward Encounter #2
After attending a memorial service held at the residence of my in-laws, Uncle Billy tried to grab my boob. He walked up, with hands ready to grab, and I quickly slunk away. YIKES....WHO DOES THAT? Black swan, BLACK effing SWAN!
Awkward Encounter #3
At the birthday party of Fancy Jr, I had purchased ice. UB came up behind me and stuck a piece of ice down my shirt. He proceeded to move the ice all around my back. I felt like I was in some sort of raunchy, disturbing, dirty 70's porno. He even moved my bra strap to get my back nice and wet...I squirmed like crazy trying to get him to stop.
Awkward Encounter #4
While attending the funeral services for my mother in law, UB put his arm around me (right in front of his wife, YES, he is married) to try to "comfort" me during the services. Should I mention now that I wasn't very close to my mother in law, and that I wasn't too broken up at the funeral? I didn't need extra comforting.
Awkward Encounter #5
When UB learned that I was planning to divorce his nephew, he came into the bedroom where we were staying, when Big Papa had run out to get some breakfast. I was in a robe and had a towel on my head, having just gotten out of the shower. He cornered me and told me to not go through with it, and said that the men in their family have issues. He tried to hug me and offer me support. I can guarantee you, the only thing I needed was to get away from UB and his yucky house!
Awkward Encounter #6
One morning, I was sitting on the couch. The Bill-meister came and sat beside me...although this wasn't necessarily beside me. It was more like right next to me...so close that our bodies were nearly touching. I started to kind of move over, to provide more distance between us, as it was just really uncomfortable for me. The next thing I know, UB's arms are coming at me, and he is grabbing me and trying to pull me onto his lap. Uh, last time I checked I am not your daughter, your wife, or petite for that matter. I kinda pushed him away and then quickly stood up. I cannot BELIEVE the brass balls of this man....
Finally, the awkward encounters grew less and less...oh wait, that's only because I LEFT THE STATE. I even suggested that BP never leave me alone with UB, ever. The thought even crossed my mind that I may just have to take one for the team and shower with BP, to make sure I was never alone with the Bill-ster!!!
Awkward Encounter #1
UB--Yes, Uncle Billy, keep up with me, walked by me, as I sat on the couch, and gently caressed my delicate, but firm cheeks with the back of his hairy hands.
Actually, this is more like encounter #100, but due to the aromas of the moonshine, I can no longer recall the first 99.
Awkward Encounter #2
After attending a memorial service held at the residence of my in-laws, Uncle Billy tried to grab my boob. He walked up, with hands ready to grab, and I quickly slunk away. YIKES....WHO DOES THAT? Black swan, BLACK effing SWAN!
Awkward Encounter #3
At the birthday party of Fancy Jr, I had purchased ice. UB came up behind me and stuck a piece of ice down my shirt. He proceeded to move the ice all around my back. I felt like I was in some sort of raunchy, disturbing, dirty 70's porno. He even moved my bra strap to get my back nice and wet...I squirmed like crazy trying to get him to stop.
Awkward Encounter #4
While attending the funeral services for my mother in law, UB put his arm around me (right in front of his wife, YES, he is married) to try to "comfort" me during the services. Should I mention now that I wasn't very close to my mother in law, and that I wasn't too broken up at the funeral? I didn't need extra comforting.
Awkward Encounter #5
When UB learned that I was planning to divorce his nephew, he came into the bedroom where we were staying, when Big Papa had run out to get some breakfast. I was in a robe and had a towel on my head, having just gotten out of the shower. He cornered me and told me to not go through with it, and said that the men in their family have issues. He tried to hug me and offer me support. I can guarantee you, the only thing I needed was to get away from UB and his yucky house!
Awkward Encounter #6
One morning, I was sitting on the couch. The Bill-meister came and sat beside me...although this wasn't necessarily beside me. It was more like right next to me...so close that our bodies were nearly touching. I started to kind of move over, to provide more distance between us, as it was just really uncomfortable for me. The next thing I know, UB's arms are coming at me, and he is grabbing me and trying to pull me onto his lap. Uh, last time I checked I am not your daughter, your wife, or petite for that matter. I kinda pushed him away and then quickly stood up. I cannot BELIEVE the brass balls of this man....
Finally, the awkward encounters grew less and less...oh wait, that's only because I LEFT THE STATE. I even suggested that BP never leave me alone with UB, ever. The thought even crossed my mind that I may just have to take one for the team and shower with BP, to make sure I was never alone with the Bill-ster!!!
 |
| This stance is SUCH a turn on...HOLD ME BACK...I love his lack of ass, too.... |
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| Someone hold me back...I may need to be tapped by this man...and for those who know what Fancy Jr looks like, if you DARE think it's funny to mention or go to a place where you claim FJ looks like UB, I think I might personally cut you out of my life, forever! |
Howling at the MoonSHINE
I (Fancy) am apologizing for the absence of some TN postings...I have had a series of unfortunate events occur, but I am back and bitchier than ever.
**Side Note--to quote Whiskey, "SERIOUSLY!"
Last month I made an impromptu trip to Arizona to attend the funeral of my mother in law. Yes, it was simply put, AWKWARD considering I was planning on and am now, divorcing her son. Big Papa made a really stupid mistake by accepting the offer of his creepy uncle, Billy, to stay in his home in Arizona.
**Side Note--Uncle Billy is in his late 30's...yes, Hill Billy is an accurate description of this man.
**Side Note--The bathtub was as black as a nigger toe. I mean black. The first time I showered in there, I wasn't sure that it was me who was dirty because I hadn't showered in two days because we made the drive in 24 hours, or if it was the actual tub. I may never know...still haunted by the memory.
**Side Note--the kids would clean the bathroom, but not the toilet. No lie, I once had to wipe poop off the toilet seat in order to use it. Yes, I ran to the nearest store and purchased clorox wipes...I was NOT for the life of me sitting on that toilet.
**Side Note--I had to pep talk myself into bed each night by saying that I was camping. I had to pretend I was in the woods and sleeping on the floor without a sleeping bag. I'm pretty sure a cockroach crawled on my neck in the middle of the night.
One night, as Billy was pulling out pictures, he discovered a picture of himself about the age of Fancy Jr. He asked me who the picture reminded me of. When I said his daughter, he said, "No, it looks like YOUR boy. Just think, I could have fathered him."
My first reaction to this news was to run for the garbage can, needing to puke, thinking that his filthy, hillbilly breeding stick might be getting aroused at the thought of banging me. I wanted to be sick.
**Side Note--this encounter happened in front of an entire group of people--people I do NOT know.
My real response was, "Billy, there is no way you could EVER tap this!" To which the entire room burst into laughter. At that very moment, as the redneck laughter set in, I could feel the presence of my hillbilly bone growing. At the same time, the sophisticated side of Fancy felt as though she was dying from terminal cancer. For a minute there, I thought maybe I was sporting a mullet and facial hair...I quickly excused myself to the bathroom to make sure I was still Fancy.
Upon my return, Uncle Billy had a present waiting for me. No, it wasn't his hillbilly stick, it was homemade moonshine. No, I'm not talking about his butt crack here. I'm talking about home brewed, home grown, home loved, moonshine. He took off the cap, and told me to inhale the fumes. I nearly passed out and got drunk from just inhaling. My drug-free, virgin lungs, weren't used to something that strong.
Little did I know, this was just the beginning of the week/trip from HELL in Hillbilly HELL!!!
**Side Note--to quote Whiskey, "SERIOUSLY!"
Last month I made an impromptu trip to Arizona to attend the funeral of my mother in law. Yes, it was simply put, AWKWARD considering I was planning on and am now, divorcing her son. Big Papa made a really stupid mistake by accepting the offer of his creepy uncle, Billy, to stay in his home in Arizona.
**Side Note--Uncle Billy is in his late 30's...yes, Hill Billy is an accurate description of this man.
**Side Note--The bathtub was as black as a nigger toe. I mean black. The first time I showered in there, I wasn't sure that it was me who was dirty because I hadn't showered in two days because we made the drive in 24 hours, or if it was the actual tub. I may never know...still haunted by the memory.
**Side Note--the kids would clean the bathroom, but not the toilet. No lie, I once had to wipe poop off the toilet seat in order to use it. Yes, I ran to the nearest store and purchased clorox wipes...I was NOT for the life of me sitting on that toilet.
**Side Note--I had to pep talk myself into bed each night by saying that I was camping. I had to pretend I was in the woods and sleeping on the floor without a sleeping bag. I'm pretty sure a cockroach crawled on my neck in the middle of the night.
One night, as Billy was pulling out pictures, he discovered a picture of himself about the age of Fancy Jr. He asked me who the picture reminded me of. When I said his daughter, he said, "No, it looks like YOUR boy. Just think, I could have fathered him."
My first reaction to this news was to run for the garbage can, needing to puke, thinking that his filthy, hillbilly breeding stick might be getting aroused at the thought of banging me. I wanted to be sick.
**Side Note--this encounter happened in front of an entire group of people--people I do NOT know.
My real response was, "Billy, there is no way you could EVER tap this!" To which the entire room burst into laughter. At that very moment, as the redneck laughter set in, I could feel the presence of my hillbilly bone growing. At the same time, the sophisticated side of Fancy felt as though she was dying from terminal cancer. For a minute there, I thought maybe I was sporting a mullet and facial hair...I quickly excused myself to the bathroom to make sure I was still Fancy.
Upon my return, Uncle Billy had a present waiting for me. No, it wasn't his hillbilly stick, it was homemade moonshine. No, I'm not talking about his butt crack here. I'm talking about home brewed, home grown, home loved, moonshine. He took off the cap, and told me to inhale the fumes. I nearly passed out and got drunk from just inhaling. My drug-free, virgin lungs, weren't used to something that strong.
Little did I know, this was just the beginning of the week/trip from HELL in Hillbilly HELL!!!
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