**Side Note--to quote Whiskey, "SERIOUSLY!"
Last month I made an impromptu trip to Arizona to attend the funeral of my mother in law. Yes, it was simply put, AWKWARD considering I was planning on and am now, divorcing her son. Big Papa made a really stupid mistake by accepting the offer of his creepy uncle, Billy, to stay in his home in Arizona.
**Side Note--Uncle Billy is in his late 30's...yes, Hill Billy is an accurate description of this man.
**Side Note--The bathtub was as black as a nigger toe. I mean black. The first time I showered in there, I wasn't sure that it was me who was dirty because I hadn't showered in two days because we made the drive in 24 hours, or if it was the actual tub. I may never know...still haunted by the memory.
**Side Note--the kids would clean the bathroom, but not the toilet. No lie, I once had to wipe poop off the toilet seat in order to use it. Yes, I ran to the nearest store and purchased clorox wipes...I was NOT for the life of me sitting on that toilet.
**Side Note--I had to pep talk myself into bed each night by saying that I was camping. I had to pretend I was in the woods and sleeping on the floor without a sleeping bag. I'm pretty sure a cockroach crawled on my neck in the middle of the night.
One night, as Billy was pulling out pictures, he discovered a picture of himself about the age of Fancy Jr. He asked me who the picture reminded me of. When I said his daughter, he said, "No, it looks like YOUR boy. Just think, I could have fathered him."
My first reaction to this news was to run for the garbage can, needing to puke, thinking that his filthy, hillbilly breeding stick might be getting aroused at the thought of banging me. I wanted to be sick.
**Side Note--this encounter happened in front of an entire group of people--people I do NOT know.
My real response was, "Billy, there is no way you could EVER tap this!" To which the entire room burst into laughter. At that very moment, as the redneck laughter set in, I could feel the presence of my hillbilly bone growing. At the same time, the sophisticated side of Fancy felt as though she was dying from terminal cancer. For a minute there, I thought maybe I was sporting a mullet and facial hair...I quickly excused myself to the bathroom to make sure I was still Fancy.
Upon my return, Uncle Billy had a present waiting for me. No, it wasn't his hillbilly stick, it was homemade moonshine. No, I'm not talking about his butt crack here. I'm talking about home brewed, home grown, home loved, moonshine. He took off the cap, and told me to inhale the fumes. I nearly passed out and got drunk from just inhaling. My drug-free, virgin lungs, weren't used to something that strong.
Little did I know, this was just the beginning of the week/trip from HELL in Hillbilly HELL!!!
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