BAJ's Shitty Cookie Swap

Before we start, if I could go back in time, I, Fancy would have put laxatives in my cookies. Whiskey would have sprinkled Miralax on top of hers, too.

It all began when Fancy & Whiskey were invited to a lame ass cookie swap, hosted by none-other than BAJ.  Now BAJ is not known for her hosting abilities.  In fact, she is just outright awkward.  Therefore Fancy & Whiskey felt obligated to attend the event, knowing they are the life of the party and all.  They were not disappointed when they walked in, 30 minutes late, to realize everyone was crowded in the kitchen, awkwardly awaiting their arrival.  We walked in, set down our cookies and all hell broke loose.  Whiskey announced that she didn't bake her cookies, she bought them at McDonald's and used her receipt as her recipe.  Everyone thought that was funny, everyone but BAJ and Bushy.  BAJ and Bushy both think that Whiskey can't cook and that she's a horrible mother and housekeeper.  They kept giving her a hard time about how she didn't know how to even bake, and that she is ridiculous.  Fancy defended Whiskey because she knows that is utterly ridonkulous.  After the awkwardness subsided, Whiskey & Fancy moved into the living room.  Obviously everyone recognized that the life of the party had finally arrived because everyone else followed suit. 
**Sidenote--before we entered BAJ's awkward party, we came up with a code word, BLACK SWAN, aka let's get the hell out of here, NOW!

While in the living room, we were just chit-chatting with the various guests.  Some of the things they were saying were crazy.  Like one of them had a 23 year old sister who was about to get hitched to a 61 year old, who claimed to only be 31.  She left some stuff in a hotel room, which is the hotel another acquaintance of ours, aka BABE, manages, but needed to get them out.  The details from here out are pretty foggy as everyone in the room secretly wished someone would burst in with a machine gun and spare them from listening to the rest of the dumb story.  I mean really, who is 23 and thinks that a 61 year old is really 31?  Later in the night when it was brought up again, someone actually was ballsy enough to ask her if her sister was stupid.  I mean, come on, we were all thinking it, FINALLY someone said it!

The next topic of conversation was about a dog grooming place.  It was dog grooming by day and a swingers club by night.  That wasn't awkward at all.  People started asking questions about the swinger lifestyle, and Whiskey & Fancy just ignored them and talked amongst themselves on the couch.  They weren't interested in the dog, swinger place. Somehow this conversation morphed into the prego-ladies at the partay.  Whiskey asked one what she was going to name her baby.  She said that her husband liked Gaelic names and spellings to which Whiskey responded, you mean Gay-lick?  That got the crowd going.

While Fancy & Whiskey were having their conversation on the couch, Fancy asked Whiskey if she had a stripper song, what would it be.  Whiskey dared Fancy to ask the entire party.  So, Fancy not being afraid to just say anything, did so.   The look on Bushy and BAJ's faces were priceless.
 Bushy said with total arrogance (she must have doused herself in Holier Than Thou perfume before leaving her house) "How do you even come up with this stuff?"
 Fancy quickly gave credit where credit was due, and said, "I have this cousin, and she once asked me and for the life of me, I cannot remember my own stripper song, but I know it was AMAZING."
 Bushy responded with, "Oh, so (yes, with air quotes) "cousin" is code for yourself huh?"
Fancy said, "I really do have a cousin."
Whiskey confirmed with, "Yes, she has this crazy cousin."

Cousin or not, that is a pretty darn awesome topic of conversation.  Others in the room were throwing out the songs that they would pick.  Fancy & Whiskey then began discussing stripper poles.  Fancy even mentioned that striptease workout by Carmen Electra, that again, Fancy's cousin said was a great workout.  Bushy and BAJ kept scoffing at us saying how we were inappropriate.  Really? Us? Uh, I don't remember bringing up a swinger's club!


Whiskey & Fancy overheard Bushy and BAJ talking about how they don't need stripper poles or songs to satisfy their husbands.  It is a well-known fact that neither of them have very satisfied husbands.  They only know two things, kissing and missionary.  They probably don't even realize you can have sex with the lights ON or even in the middle of the day.  Those are the thoughts that have probably never crossed their pruddish little minds.  Somebody get them some nipple nibbler or good head ASAP!

 **Sidenote--Whiskey once  convinced her grandma to put nipple nibbler on her lips like a lip gloss.  Then she to told her it was nipple cream.  Who does that?  Seriously! It's her freaking grandma. lol

The kicker of the night, by far, was when Fancy overheard BAJ tell Bushy, well they are never going to be invited back again!  To this, Fancy turned to Whiskey and said, "Black Swan! Black Swan! Black Swan!" When Whiskey heard this, it was like she had witnessed a miracle, like Moses parting the Red Sea.  The torture was finally over.   It was time to get the hell out of there.  We couldn't run fast enough to our car!  Funny thing is, as we left the party, so did everyone else, except Bushy who lagged behind and proceeded to brown nose her way right up that BAJ.

When the nipples got into the car, Whiskey thanked Fancy for getting her out of that situation.  Fancy asked her if she heard BAJ and Bushy's conversation about how they weren't going to invite us back. (which, btw, really is a miracle!)  We were complaining about how RUDE those girls were.  I mean what did we do to them but try to have a fun time and make those around us enjoy themselves?  We can't be blamed for entertaining the entire party.  I mean someone had to!

We decided to bitch about them for a while longer, so we went to Wal-Mart.  While on that drive, discussing their creepy prude ways, Whiskey said: "I bet that _________ doesn't even know that she can shave her bush.  She's probably all bushy down there."  The name Bushy M had to stick.  We just knew we had a winner on our hands.  Bushy and BAJ the creepy double B duo. 

The highlight of the night was when Fancy rounded the corner at Wal-Mart, she nearly fell over laughing.  She was practically in tears when Whiskey came over to her.  Fancy pointed and said, "look!"  There stocking really low, low shelves was a tiny little man.  It was like a gift from God.  A gift to say that all was right in the world.