Fancy Goes to Church

Today I tried to blog FROM church, twice, on my phone, but for some reason it wasn't working, so now I am home blogging about the crazy shit that took place this day.

First off, Bushy got up today to do a little talking.  She was shedding some fake tears and expressing her love for the area in which we live, and that she felt like they were supposed to move here, blah, blah, blah.  Really, I just wanted to pull out my flat iron and straighten her freaky hair.  I sent Whiskey a text and told her to throw a shoe at her.  Ultimately, I had to refrain from standing up in the middle of the crowded chapel and tell everyone what a horrible, rude, and self-righteous person Bushy is.  I wanted to let them know that she thinks very highly of herself and looks down upon the rest of us who are not quite up to par in her opinion.

The next problem that arose was from an 18 year old who gets up month after month after month.  Maybe next month I will sit in front of her, and I'll give her a little trip on her way up to the microphone.  This girl though, we will call A for ANNOYING...well that and her real name starts with an A.  She seriously cries and sounds so damn fake. It's like my ears bleed the second she opens her mouth.  Today she discussed how fast little kids grow up, and how one of the kids is in a kindergarten class that she is helping in for some school project.  I wanted to say, really? kids grow up fast?  really? do you have a freaking kid?  if not, then do you really have the right to say that right now?  I don't think so.  Next month, do us all a favor and stay seated.  Don't ramble about how you're amazing; quite frankly, you are freaking annoying and your fake, airhead, cute act is just that, FAKE, and like fake boobs, you've gotta go!

We were graced by some creeper, too. I just love it when people who you don't know, and who aren't even a part of your congregation stand up to share a little something.  There should be rules against this.  They should be stamped on the doors or published in the program or something.  Now this creeper got up and talked about how he almost died in some sort of car accident.  Call me insensitive here, but I JUST DON'T CARE!  I don't know you.  I don't care about your past.  What I do care about, however, is the fact that you need a freaking hair cut!  So please, do yourself, and really me, a favor and cut your damn hair.  While you're at it, the pervert glasses and creepy facial hair should go, too.

Steve Buschemi was also a part of this fiasco.  He discussed his love of the members of our congregation and how he was going to be sad when they moved at the end of the month.  Yes, like any greasy used-car-salesman, I bet you do love us all!  I wanted to stand up and give a big HALLE-FREAKING-LLUJAH you're leaving!!!!  I wanted BAJ to get up, but alas she didn't.  Damn her! 

The final kicker was the little child who was SCREAMING his head off.  It was as if someone was trying to amputate his arm with no anesthesia.  Get off your lazy ass and remove your child from the room.  Go to the hallway where he can WAIL to his heart's content.  Oh wait, don't do that.  Let him stay in a room with 200+ people who can't hear jack shit, except your screaming child.  It is really no inconvenience at all.

Oh, just the thought of having to repeat this episode again in 3 short weeks has me thinking maybe that will be the day that I STAY HOME!  My immature, rude self cannot handle a repeat of this day that soon.