I'm Having Tom Selleck's Baby

Fancy's Pie...cream-filled with lots of nuts!

Sexually aroused, like all of the cats in Whiskey's neighborhood, Fancy led the gang-bang into Shari's.  Thankfully Horton was there saving us a table.  Don't know Horton?  Don't worry, you will soon...The Lorax post is coming.


**Side Note--Whiskey is really disappointed in us right now.  However, that's not stopping her from continuing on with this post.

Upon seating ourselves at Horton's table, we were greeted by our waiter, Cameron, aka Tom Selleck.  Tom, with his 12 year old baby face, and 70's porn 'stache, asked us what we wanted to drink.  Whiskey, being ever the Diva, asked for a water with a straw.  When Tom returned, he had placed a giant, pink straw in Whiskey's water.  Fancy, never to be outdone, requested her own giant straw.  When he returned to the table, Tom Selleck had two green straws in hand.  He creepily smiled at the Sister Wives, and said, "I brought two green straws because I noticed your eyes were green with envy."  Suicidal thoughts swept through Whiskey's mind.  Was the waiter really that tacky?  Meanwhile, this fueled Fancy's ever growing fire, and she began to shameless thrust her boobs in Tom's face, snatching up the green straws in the process.  Her nipples acted like tiny hands, almost as if saying, (in a high pitched voice) "damn straight I'm greedy!"






















Fancy, ever the cougar, had to know if little Tom Selleck was legal or not.  He professed to be 23, to which Fancy replied, "I'm 32.  32, 23, potato, potato, tomato, tomato, our ages are backwards.  How cool is that Tom?"  To which he responded, "This reminds me of a movie called 23," and with a twitch of his mustache he walked away.

Horton, upon hearing the movie 23, exclaimed, "That movie is about a psycho murderer!  Worst movie I ever saw, but seriously creepy he brought it up!" 

When Tom came back to the table, Fancy, who had just choked and spit water all over everyone and the table, asked Tom if she looked drunk.  Tom gazed lovingly into her beautiful, beautiful eyes, and informed her that her eyes were a little blood shot.  Fancy proceeded to inform him, as she did Drew, that we are all sister wives, and that she is 100% sober.  Tom then asked her to prove it, to which she exclaimed that we all had buns, and wasn't that proof enough.  Tom replied, "I like me some hairy buns!"  Fancy quickly replied to that, "Well I like me a good mustache ride, free is optional!"

With his wicked, creepy smile, Tom re-directed the conversation back to what our order would be.  Upon hearing that we were in need of dessert, Tom told us there were several options that were cream-filled and full of nuts.  This was right up our alley.  He then took our orders and left the table.

Meanwhile, in his absence, it turned into Autism Awareness/Advocacy Night at Shari's.  Whiskey and Fancy drifted into their own world, discussing Fancy's firm boobs and cheeks.  Fancy went around the table asking people to pinch her cheeks.  Whiskey offered up Fancy's boobs for the fondling....Horton, couldn't pass up those firm cheeky-monkeys, and had to give them a pinch.  Tom returned with water refills, and Whiskey, ever the best friend, asked if Tom wanted to touch Fancy's hard knockers as well.   Tom responded, "Maybe when my shift is over."  Fancy then retorted with, "I think I want THAT to be my next husband!!!" while pointing directly at Tom.  Tom stated, "Yeah, real appealing, you just called me THAT!" and walked away.   As Tom was walking away, Whiskey held up her pinky and said, "I bet Tom's wiener is only this big!"  Tom turned around and gave her a thumbs up.  Whiskey was confused.  Did he approve or was it the size of his thumb?

Fancy, with her tiny bladder, went to the bathroom.  While she was away, Tom Selleck brought out another piece of pie, free of charge, just for her.  When she returned, she winked at him and said, "Thanks!  By the way, did you know that fat chicks are good in bed?"

Fast Forward 20 minutes, right before leaving, Whiskey told Fancy she should leave Tom Selleck a note and leave her number.  Hastily, Fancy whipped out her pen and began a Harloquen Romance Novel, including her number.  She loudly shouted out her number as she wrote it, just for Tom, and then dashed off to the bathroom, for yet another pee-break.  Yes, she has a tiny bladder, get over it!

Before dashing off to the bathroom, Fancy handed Whiskey her debit card and told her to pay for her pie.  Tom also happened to be the cashier.  He handed Whiskey Fancy's ticket, to which Whiskey replied, "Tom, how much of a tip do you think you were worth tonight?"  He quickly replied, "I can't tell you, it's against the law."  Whiskey then asked him, "How wild do you think Fancy Wilde is?"  Whiskey proceeded to leave Tom a $10 tip on a bill totally $5.00.  Tom gave her a wink.  Then Whiskey noticed a square tattoo on his arm.  She asked if he was a Free Mason.  He said no.  She asked if it was a Mormon thing, to which he also said no.  She asked if it was a little box she could draw her face in.  At this point, Carne Asada was laughing.  Yes, yes, Whiskey is an idiot!

Finally, Fancy rejoined the group, and signed her tip, and asked Tom if she could sign his.  She asked if this was his normal shift, and he said yes.  She said she'd be back next week at the same time, and he grinned from ear to ear.  She then loudly announced to the entire restaurant that Cam was her boyfriend, and they were going to make babies together.

So next month around this time, Fancy should be knocked up with Tom Selleck's baby.  Stay tuned....