So ever since I saw my beloved juicer on sale at walmart for $39.99, I've felt this crazy need to be healthy. Why you ask, who the hell knows?!
I thought to myself, "Oh a juicer! If I buy it and juice shit it will automatically give me a solid six pack or maybe I will actually be able to run a mile for once in my life." WTF was I thinking?!!!
I think I journeyed to what if land, where we all look like Gods and there is peace and free love.
It actually started off awesome. I opened it up, threw a few apples in and it was epic! The juice was like necture to my taste buds.
***Side Note: Whiskey Jr. #3 just puked into my boot, that is on my foot...my sock is filling up with baby vomit.... seriously.....SERIOUSLY!!!
Back to the juicer...I was in love. So fruit was a win, win why not throw some super veggies in there and juice the hell out of that shit? I went for it. I juiced a cucumber, celery, spinach and parsley. It smelled like freshly cut grass, which I didn't mind. I made me think healthy thoughts....six pack abs, nice firm ass. The color was a nice green....green is good right?!
I took a sip....holy ship! It was terrible. It tasted like a million nightmares. I started gagging and quickly saw my dreams of sex apeal and stamina slipping away. F*** that I thought and chugged it. Oh my hell! Again WTF was I thinking. My body litterally started shuttering. I couldn't get the taste off of my tongue and I began gagging, then dry heaving and eventually puking in the sink. Farwell Fitness magazine, farwell!
I felt like I had just licked a thousand sweaty butt cracks...
Props to the crazy sons of witches that can pull that crap off. I will straight up admit i would rather drink a Pepsi.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Fancy and Whiskey Getting Their Drag-on
The other day while working, I randomly get a call from Whiskey who excitedly tells me about a new youtube video she discovered on make up application by a DRAG QUEEN. Apparantly they begin the tutorial by tucking their penis between their legs. With penis tucked, Whiskey began to mimick the strokes of the gay, drag queen genius, one fake eyelash at a time. Upon finishing her own make up, she sent me a picture. Surprisingly, it wasn't bad. She looked like a woman, not her usual 12 year old boy look.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving break. Whiskey felt that the ever so fair FANCY needed a little make over: Drag Queen style! After hours and hours in her make up chair, aka her living room floor, and an over-extended stay by Horton,Fancy's transformation was complete. However, unlike Whiskey, Fancy looked like a mail-order Russian bride/Fancy the REAL prositute...her nickname sake. With a bedroom lamp and cell phone camera, Whiskey worked her photography magic, and Fancy received a 2012 Glamour shot-esque photo shoot. With her cleavage and bra straps showing, Fancy laid across Whiskey's fireplace herth in seductive, awkward, drunk-like poses.
Don't quit your day job Fancy. A plus-sized, drag queen model is not in the works for you.
**Side-Note--Fancy's already had about a million hits on Russian.mailorderbrides.com
Fast forward to Thanksgiving break. Whiskey felt that the ever so fair FANCY needed a little make over: Drag Queen style! After hours and hours in her make up chair, aka her living room floor, and an over-extended stay by Horton,Fancy's transformation was complete. However, unlike Whiskey, Fancy looked like a mail-order Russian bride/Fancy the REAL prositute...her nickname sake. With a bedroom lamp and cell phone camera, Whiskey worked her photography magic, and Fancy received a 2012 Glamour shot-esque photo shoot. With her cleavage and bra straps showing, Fancy laid across Whiskey's fireplace herth in seductive, awkward, drunk-like poses.
Don't quit your day job Fancy. A plus-sized, drag queen model is not in the works for you.
**Side-Note--Fancy's already had about a million hits on Russian.mailorderbrides.com
Monday, November 12, 2012
As the Whiskey Ages Ep. 1
Whiskey when un-opened gets better with age just like Wine. Thought I would point that out since this next post is all about my latest and greatest in life. I'm kind of like a fine wine...just saying.
I think the latest everyone knew is that Tassles moved, Fancy and I were running wild and I was knocked up. Well Fancy finally left me too. She felt that being newly divorced called for a move to a little town. Full of gas stations, subway, a new job with slow kids and my people...the Hispangles.
***SIDE NOTE: Hispangles are Hispanics in america.
Tassles leaving was a blow but having Fancy leave too was devastating. I was like the last of the Mohicans. They were leaving me to be fed to the wolves.
***SIDE NOTE: The wolves include Bushy, CAB, 7up, Babe and there are so many more crazy people that we probably have even mentioned yet.
I recovered by giving birth to another Whiskey Jr., and buying a new SUV. I also moved into Fancy's old place. I missed her so much that I left everything as she left it ginger snaps and all. Just kidding I painted, re-carpeted and put tile in the kitchen. The place has officially been Whiskey Tangoed.
After moving in to our new place and a series of events, we felt that some paranormal activity was at hand. One night while friends were over, one of them unintentionally brought with them a uninvited guest that scared the living crap out of myself and my sperm donor. It was literally one of the most terrifying experiences ever. Because it was uninvited we offered it a big gulp of holy water and it decided we were its type.
Fancy and I weren't speaking did I mention this...that's right sometimes the nipples gets something called, "ENGORGEMENT." But after a little tlc we were the breast of friends again.
In fact we had a conference call with Tassels the other day. Reunited and it felt do good. We laughed and laughed at one another's stories. Fancy and I explained to Tassles that straight men don't say the word honk when they grab your boob and that she should go on a date with a man we call sexy rexy, not to be confused with sexy zecksy...he is still alive by the way. I know this bc I saw him at Costco..and he winked at me. I think he winked I couldn't really see bc his gold chain around his neck was blinding me.
I have so many more stories but alas I have to go grocery shopping...stay tuned for episode two.
I think the latest everyone knew is that Tassles moved, Fancy and I were running wild and I was knocked up. Well Fancy finally left me too. She felt that being newly divorced called for a move to a little town. Full of gas stations, subway, a new job with slow kids and my people...the Hispangles.
***SIDE NOTE: Hispangles are Hispanics in america.
Tassles leaving was a blow but having Fancy leave too was devastating. I was like the last of the Mohicans. They were leaving me to be fed to the wolves.
***SIDE NOTE: The wolves include Bushy, CAB, 7up, Babe and there are so many more crazy people that we probably have even mentioned yet.
I recovered by giving birth to another Whiskey Jr., and buying a new SUV. I also moved into Fancy's old place. I missed her so much that I left everything as she left it ginger snaps and all. Just kidding I painted, re-carpeted and put tile in the kitchen. The place has officially been Whiskey Tangoed.
After moving in to our new place and a series of events, we felt that some paranormal activity was at hand. One night while friends were over, one of them unintentionally brought with them a uninvited guest that scared the living crap out of myself and my sperm donor. It was literally one of the most terrifying experiences ever. Because it was uninvited we offered it a big gulp of holy water and it decided we were its type.
Fancy and I weren't speaking did I mention this...that's right sometimes the nipples gets something called, "ENGORGEMENT." But after a little tlc we were the breast of friends again.
In fact we had a conference call with Tassels the other day. Reunited and it felt do good. We laughed and laughed at one another's stories. Fancy and I explained to Tassles that straight men don't say the word honk when they grab your boob and that she should go on a date with a man we call sexy rexy, not to be confused with sexy zecksy...he is still alive by the way. I know this bc I saw him at Costco..and he winked at me. I think he winked I couldn't really see bc his gold chain around his neck was blinding me.
I have so many more stories but alas I have to go grocery shopping...stay tuned for episode two.
Babe is a freaking witch
Soooo 7up retro and I had a nice little day of making a mends. It was awkward but bearable.
She did her cry thing, I pretended to care bla bla bla that is until she brought up Babe. Apparently Babe told 7up that I had said that 7up wanted to be just like me.
Instantly I was livid pissed. I wanted to swear and gnash my teeth and beat the living crap out of Babe. I always knew she wasn't trustworthy. Now because of her my life is like a episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
She did her cry thing, I pretended to care bla bla bla that is until she brought up Babe. Apparently Babe told 7up that I had said that 7up wanted to be just like me.
Instantly I was livid pissed. I wanted to swear and gnash my teeth and beat the living crap out of Babe. I always knew she wasn't trustworthy. Now because of her my life is like a episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
For a split second I felt like I was back in high school and that I should deny all allegations against me. But then I remembered that I am a grown A** woman and hell yes I said those things! They were true and at one point 7up was moving in on all of my friends, jokes and style. It was pissing me off.
***SIDE NOTE: Sorry world but I don't find it flattering when people try to take my life over.
I was a little surprised 7up didn't jump my husbands bone..s. She was pretty touchy feely with him though....hmmmmm.
***SIDE NOTE: Sorry world but I don't find it flattering when people try to take my life over.
I was a little surprised 7up didn't jump my husbands bone..s. She was pretty touchy feely with him though....hmmmmm.
After the awkward silence I turned to 7up looked her straight in the eye and admitted to everything. I then apologized for the distress it caused her. All the while I was making mental notes of all the detail she had about what I had said and the details on the rift I have with Babe and Paul Bunyan. She knew way to much which means Babe is a douche and needs to be made into ox stew.
Whiskey
Big Richard Strikes Again
The following conversation took place between Whiskey and Fancy.
Fancy is in green...Whiskey in gray.
Fancy is in green...Whiskey in gray.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Eye Graping....
I thought the grapist was bad, but there's nothing creeper than being hit on by your creepy brother in law...who should be in jail...for some crazy reason he isn't....
I was casually walking to my car after church, when the fat little gnome rolled in and leaned like a cholo, not to be confused with a churro....and eye graped me. He said, and I quote, "I'm not trying to be awkward or make you feel uncomfortable, but I didn't want to go without saying this. Whatever you're doing, you look really good. I don't want to make you feel weird or anything, and there's a word that I would use to describe it, but it might make you feel uncomfortable, so I won't use it. What exactly have you been doing to yourself?"
I looked at him and said, "I got rid of my husband for starters." He said, "Oh that's not it. There's more. You just look good, and I wanted you to know."
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was effing AWKWARD!!!!
I was casually walking to my car after church, when the fat little gnome rolled in and leaned like a cholo, not to be confused with a churro....and eye graped me. He said, and I quote, "I'm not trying to be awkward or make you feel uncomfortable, but I didn't want to go without saying this. Whatever you're doing, you look really good. I don't want to make you feel weird or anything, and there's a word that I would use to describe it, but it might make you feel uncomfortable, so I won't use it. What exactly have you been doing to yourself?"
I looked at him and said, "I got rid of my husband for starters." He said, "Oh that's not it. There's more. You just look good, and I wanted you to know."
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was effing AWKWARD!!!!
Song Pop King
I'm sure you've all heard of the game Song Pop. I'm not gonna lie, I spent many an hour playing. One day, after an emotionally pounding by the grapist, I turned to my new love, Song Pop. I received a request for a match up with a random stranger. It just so happened, it was one of the best things that's ever happened to me. It was an answer to my prayers. It started out as some serious competition on Song Pop, then it morphed into some casual banter, which inevitably morphed into a beautiful friendship....a very amazing friendship with the Song Pop King.
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