Fancy in Heat--Dirty Twirls Style

For the last week, I’ve noticed an unusual odor coming from Fancy, which means A) She has a yeast infection or B) She’s in heat again….

**Side Note—I’d be lying if I actually said this happened in the last week.  This has been ongoing since she stopped having sex!  Maybe she needs to clean her toys. 

I don’t even know where to start.  Let’s begin with a few direct quotes from Fancy.

“I pulled my pants down, and I sat on the toilet, and I got a waft of my crotch.  OMG, I think I should shower.”

“I’m so wet, I feel like I just peed my pants.”

“OMG I can totally smell myself just sitting here.”

“Um, you may want to febreze your car seat because I think I juiced on your seat.”

Dirty Twirls #1

So we’re at the mall, at the food court, eating Cinnabon, and Fancy looks over at me and says, “I have a lesbian fantasy,” while staring at me eerily.  I didn’t know what to do, so I just kept eating, and I avoided eye contact.  All the while, I could smell her horny scent wafting its way masking the delicious smell of my cinnabon. 

Dirty Twirls #2

I’m eating dinner with my family, when I realize that I have missed phone calls, unanswered text messages, and then Fancy calling my own husband.  I answer my husband’s phone, to hear the sound of a shower in the background, a high pitched giggle, and gibberish.  After 5 minutes of non-stop giggling, I finally translated: Big Papa. Sex. My Bed.  So “apparently” the story goes something like this….Fancy went to climb in the shower, but realized she didn’t have a towel.  She ran down the hall, naked.  She reached for a towel, when she realized Big Papa was checking out her goods.  Fancy, feeling awkward, wrapped the towel around herself.  Big Papa solicited her for some loving, and she said, you realize we’re getting divorced, right?  He said, I’m a dude, I can bone you with no feeling.  Fancy booked it into the bathroom.  Before she could get the door closed, Big Papa shoved his way in, and tried to get her to head to the bedroom.  Fancy kept repeatedly protesting, and she said, let me shower first.  Finally, after 5 minutes of begging, he left her alone to shower.  It was then, that she used her phone a friend lifeline, and I told her she should go for it. I mean, he is her husband, they may as well have some amazing break-up sex, right?  Fancy claims she didn’t do anything, but her dusty vagina odor vanished. 

Dirty Twirls #3

Did I ever tell you Fancy’s a cougar?  While ordering food at Sonic

**Side Note—Yes, we go there every day!

The sweet, innocent, little, car-hop brought us our food, and he asked if we needed anything else.  From the passenger seat, Fancy chimes “How about a side of tots and a lap dance.  I’m unusually horny today.”  All I could do was roll up my window, as I watched his little skates, skate away. 

**Side Note—Fancy was wearing pajamas…with matching Sunday shoes.  The poor kid didn’t stand a chance.  

Dirty Twirls #4

Fancy Takes on Little Papa

During sacrament meeting today, I noticed that Fancy was making eyes at LP.  She texted me and said, "Little Papa and I just made eye contact, and we both smiled.  I just thought you should know."  While reading this, I could hear her dirty twirl giggle...I'm supposed to be thinking about Christ here.  Then, without my knowledge, Little Papa was snagged by Fancy to teach in Primary.  The two of them exchanged jokes.

**Side Note--They're both own joke laughers...aka UD-ers.  

Then, after church, while on the phone with Whiskey, Fancy said, "I know I looked hot today, and I think Little Papa was checking me out."  

After that, Fancy came to my house, in her pajamas with no bra.  She confronted LP about the come-ons.  He said he was so turned on, he had to have his hand over his crotch to conceal his giant boner.

**Side Note--Fancy and LP are practically twins....this little escapade is extremely incestuous.