Chester the molester in bunny form

Today at Wally World the wee ones spotted the Easter Bunny with a bucket O' candy.  
Being the Whiskey Tangos that we are we couldn't pass up free candy or a free picture with the beloved rabbit of resurrection.  The kids hooped up on his lap, posed and took their candy. 
As we were walking away I whispered to little papa that I really hate holiday helpers especially ones wearing masks.  We preceded to discuss how he could have been a total cho mo.  Seriously think about it...hop on my lap and i'll give you candy. Don't mind that bulged under your leg its just my raging molester boner.
At the end of our convo little papa shrugged and said "meh."  Then I laughed and said, "you're right its a small price to pay for a picture with chester the bunny molester."

-Whiskey

THANK YOU RANDOM TP-ers

Whiskey sent me a text this week while I've been out of town, stating that someone had TPed Bushy's house.  I personally would LOVE to thank the individual(s) who did such a kind service to me by TPing my arch rival.  My favorite part of this is that it rained on top of the TP.  Life doesn't get much better than revenge well deserved!

Now, to just EGG Bushy...but I don't want to egg her house or her car, I literally want to egg HER!

A Quick Embarassing Mention

Last week, I met with the stake president.  I walked into his office, when my cell phone went off.  I'd received a text message.  However, the text message tone assigned to WHISKEY, is Will Ferrell in Old School saying, "We're going streaking!"  I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.  The conversation went down like this...

El Presidente: "What was that?"--chuckle, chuckle, more out of like omg what was that?
Me: "Oh I got a text message, and it was a very inappropriate text tone.  Sorry!"
El Presidente: "That is okay."

Yeah, SO EMBARRASSING!!!

Farewell BAJ

Whiskey and Fancy's husband's helped run BAJ out of town, aka they helped them load their truck to get the flock away from the nipples!  YAY!!!!!!!!!

Thankfully, BP, Fancy's husband snapped a coveted rump pic of BAJ.  Too bad it doesn't do it justice.  It literally is bigger in real life.  Oh well, when trying to discreetly take a pic of someone's ass, you can't be too picky.

Farewell BAJ!  We are thrilled and relieved you are out of our lives.  I'm sure we will not be hearing or seeing you again.  It really is our lucky day/month/year/REST OF OUR LIVES.  Now if only Bushy could move....and maybe, if we're lucky, in June they will split our ward boundaries, and Bushy (who lives on the wrong side of the tracks) will be in the other ward.  Finger's crossed.

Just call me J-LO

<p>Today I bought a pair of fabulously sexy leopard print 8 inch pumps. Despite being pregnant I still adore a nice pair of heels. <br>
I figured the fact that I was being dragged by Fancy to this lame relief society dinner condoned a new pair if shoes.</p>
<p>On our way out the door to the event of the year, I told Fancy to call me J-LO and bragged to her about how well I walked in my new pumps.&nbsp; No sooner had I opened my mouth I also put my heel in a crack in the side walk!
As if in slow motion I went down and I went down hard! I even tried grabbing the side of my car in hopes that I might have some dignity when all was said and done.  Dignity had other plans. I fell to my knees in the slushy snow glamour and all.
  As I scrambled to my feet Fancy laughed hysterically....no help of course just pure laughter.  The only thing that made me feel better was knowing that she had to sing with bushy within the next hour!

Am"BUSH"ed

Last week, I was called to sing a duet with a lady from church.  I agreed to do it.  I showed up to a baptism to practice, and the duet somehow managed to be a TRIO...the third person, one Bushy M.  I started to feel a bit panicked when I heard the news.  I wanted to figure out a way to drop out, but I just couldn't.

Tonight the event we were singing at rolled around.  I arrive with Whiskey (Whiskey was wearing 8 inch heels and skinny jeans...the pregnant hooch! haha) and I hear them singing, WITHOUT me.  I wanted them to just continue on without me, since I had no desire to sing with Bushy. 

We are on the program to sing first.  I enter the gym, and I see Whiskey sitting at a table awaiting me.  I join her.  Then Bushy joins us, too.  I was thinking right then and there, "BLACK SWAN! BLACK FREAKING SWAN!"  We sing, and then I'm forced to sit through a dinner with Bushy.  I'm sure we'll be blogging about that later, especially since I got some lovely pictures of so many people.

At a lull in the table, Bushy asks me, in front of everyone, "So, Fancy, what was your husband doing last night meeting with the stake president?"
Me: "Um, I didn't really didn't have a chance to talk to him.  Whiskey and I went to the temple." (I confess, this was a total lie, but she called me out, and I had to think fast!)
Bushy: "Well he said he didn't know why he was there, but then he seemed upset when he was leaving."
Me: "Oh, I really don't know.  Sorry."

What I should have said instead:

Possible Comment 1:  "Ya know what, it's none of your business!"
Possible Comment 2:  "Well I met w/ the stake president last night, too.  Did you want to ask about that as well?"
Possible Comment 3:  "Are you asking me out of concern or are you asking because you're freaking nosy?"
Possible Comment 4:  "Why do you think it's any of your business?"
Possible Comment 5-100:  "Hey Bushy, why do you have such crazy hair?  Have you ever thought to flat iron it?  Do you realize that my 73 year old mother dresses better and more up to date than you?  Have you ever considered being a giraffe for Halloween because you've sure got the neck for it?  Do you realize you are raising really disrespectful kids because you are nosy and disrespectful as is your husband?  Ya know last week, when your husband was trying to take a picture of my butt, that was really awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe he needs to be better satisfied, oh wait, you claim he is!  Do you have osteoporosis because you look like Quasimodo?"

Regardless, I really just strongly dislike/borderline hate Bushy.  I don't feel this way about very many people, but for some reason she just takes the cake.  I am typically not rude to people.  Yes, occasionally I can say something rude, but that's mainly aimed at my family or Carol.  I just don't understand why she feels that these things are her business.

I also realize that this is somewhat petty to blog about my arch nemesis.  However, I hate confrontation.  I still may send her an email or a Facebook message.  This is about the 4th or 5th thing she has done to rub me the wrong way.  Plus, she is passing off a recipe I GAVE HER as her own, which just pisses me off.  How dare you take credit for MY stuff?  What a hoe-bag!

Breast Friends

One day, we were discussing the idea of getting waxed down in our nether regions.  Then, we wandered off to what if land...with our feeble, sick minds.  Let me mention that we were both sick and drugged up on cough syrup.  Yes, even Whiskey takes cough syrup when pregnant.  Her cough syrup literally is whiskey...

Fancy asked Whiskey, "What if I didn't have arms?  Would I have to go all natural downstairs?  Do you think I'd have to go the dread-lock route?"
Whiskey graciously responded, "I love you enough, that if you didn't have arms, I'd shave your bearded dragon!  In fact, I almost offered to shave Tassels last summer when she was big and pregnant and Princess Charming was not so interested in the female goods!"  

Now this is what breast friends are all about!

The Day of the Dead

Whiskey and her husband, Little Papa, own a business where they provide a service to commercial businesses.  One of these business is a funeral home.  Whiskey's husband had just finished servicing, when the friends of a client (aka the dead guy) came walking up.  With a case of beer in hand, they asked if he worked there because their deceased friend had some long nose hairs that needed trimming.  Disgusted and feeling emotionally disturbed, as if he was on an episode of My Strange Addiction,  Little Papa said no, but I can get someone to help you!

At that point, he high-tailed out of the room and found the nearest employee and told them the desire of the day of the dead party goers.  After reporting the issue, he left as fast as he could.  He was afraid they might hand him some scissors and expect him to go above and beyond his typical duties.

Pregnancy Brain

Yesterday I hurried along my family and all of my appointments so that I could make it to see my favorite Persuasian.  I've so been looking forward to his squinty eyed smile all week!

We bust it up the elevator and into the office of Dr. Joeng.  

I never realized how receptionists at Dr. offices are more like bouncers.  I casually informed her that I Whiskey Tango had a appointment with the Joeng.  She checked her "List" and apparently I wasn't on it.   With a smile she turned me away like a loser at a night club.  Was it my clothes? Couldn't have been I dress fabulously, oh wait I wear maternity pants now it could have been the clothes.  I bet they turned me away because Fancy told them I had ashy skin and needed to tan...when did this turn into Jersey Shore.  I guess I need to get my fake bake on, ratted hair and wear no panties.  I think that's how Fancy got in.  

Actually the truth is that I didn't have a appointment with my little Joenger, not this week any ways.  My real appointment is next week but because I am pregnant my brain no longer works and I wonder from destination to destination aimlessly.  

A taya in da win

Because of the intense rain and my insane boredom, I've been browsing netflix like a mo fo.  During my browsing in this obesity maker I found the movie Nell.  From the start that movie was horrendously strange!  There was a dead old lady on the floor with flowers covering her eyes.

 Unfortunately that didn't stop me from watching more.  

Apparently in the movie this old lady was a hermit that lived deep in the mountains with her hermit daughter.  Due to a stroke the old lady couldn't speak normally and taught her daughter that language of paralyzed face.  It was English but not really.  I have to be honest and say that I watched the movie half way through before finding it unbearable and turning it off.  Thanks to Nell however I have been given a few gems of comedy to blog about.  

I asked my husband if he had seen the movie and he started laughing and saying "A taya in da win." Because I had only watched the movie half way through I didn't understand what the heck he was talking about.  He explained to me that he had in fact seen the movie and couldn't remember anything about it except for that line and Jodie Foster spinning in circles saying it.  

For some reason this struck a cord of laughter in me.  Every time he would say "A taya in da win" I would die laughing.  I figured since it sounded so funny coming from his mouth it would sound even more funny coming from the mouth of Whiskey jr. #1.  I pleaded, bribed and begged her to say it but she refused.  I was a little bummed until out of no where Whiskey jr. #2 casually piped in saying "A taya in da win" with his tiny voice.  This brought pure joy to the core of my soul.  He said it almost better than Nell did in the movie!  

Throughout the rest of the week My husband and little Whiskey 2 would randomly spout the line off to me.  Believe it or not its still funny.  Today they even incorporated the spinning action, acting as if they were Jodie Foster being a "Tree in the wind."  

One NOT Mamma

I’ve never been what one would call “anti-social”. I’ve been “anti-people”, “anti-kid”, and on occasion have been known to be “anti-pants”. But those words have never been mentioned in succession with GW and Not-So Itty Bitty Titties.

This last weekend I was forced to fight in the anti-social/lesbian corner.  Lesbian ok. Fine. I’ve had the stereotypical “dike” haircut once upon a time, but I did my community service in the lezzie corner and that chapter has long since been closed-or so I thought.

Page Uno. I went to a movie with a group of people and boxed out. Literally, cue me jumping up trying to squeeze my pudgy little body through cracks in their circular defenses, whining “hey guys, let me in!” Maybe they confused by the afro-blonde-albino-black person trying to penetrate their circle…that’s what she said. Hint: That was me. Maybe they saw the unexplained car seat in the backseat of my car. I’m a worthless nanny I swear! Maybe they were ashamed of me when they found out about my fake boyfriend conspiracy that I made up, where, depending on necessity I have several “boyfriends” that all have Apostle names…Peter, Paul, Bartholomew, and Graham. But that I doubt, I’ve been very covert. 

The coveted "Fro"

I now know exactly how Woody felt (that’s what she said), when Andy put him in the attic. I honestly wouldn’t be shocked if I looked on the bottom of my fabulous shoe and saw the infamous 4 letter word: A-backwards N-D-Y. Who would have thought. Little old me. The proverbial forgotten toy. I haven’t had this few friends since the time I lived in the Mother-Land and would give work the ole “Ferris Bueller” and skip over to Fancy’s for some good times of yelling at the TV-Fancy’s catchphrase: Shut it Ade!, Iceburg, and Golden Girls.  

So if I don’t wake up one day, and you find me on my big girl bed smothered by stuffed animals and lisa frank paraphernalia, just know: I have an forgotten toy complex. And they hated me too.

The Not-So Itty Bitty Titty Committee Presents...

Aloha Tri-Nips everywhere! GW, The Not-So Itty Bitty Titty Committee Representative blogging all up in this piece today! As this is my debut guest spot on the Triple Nipple, I decided to blow it up true Nipple style and bestow on you a double G feature. Boobie pun intended. So without further ado, sit down, snack up, and muff all the little ears. (sound of a gavel) The Committee will now proceed into the urgent questions, comments, and problems of my Not-So Itty Bitty Life of Titties.

Representing the Triple Nipple at the Kiddie-Park

At the request of…well…myself, I’m going to introduce myself. I’m not yet ashamed of my age, so with honest disclosure I am 23 going on 64. If have been fortunate enough to have basked in my body’s misshapen shadow, then you have seen and are jealous, that I am the self proclaimed official shape mascot of the “berry family”-yes, as in fruit. I have the “Florence Nightengale” syndrome, I have and always will love Christian Slater, I know a girl who saw Johnny Depp once, and I felt up a tranny once.

Hi. My name is Itty Bitty Titty Committee Representative GW, and I love to shop. There I said it. My compulsion is mostly for shoes. High ones, low ones, hooker ones, and baller ones. Ones with zippers, ones with buckles, I especially like to celebrate my laziness with Velcro ones. I even almost bought a pair of boat shoes until I realized that neither I, nor anyone else I know owns a sailboat…or even boat for that matter. And unless I make new friends or uproot myself to the radically liberal New England, then my boat shoe dreams should stay just that. Hallelujah, I am capable of self control.

My super secret compulsion, however, is for perfume. Ohhhhh just smelling it waft through the mall stores is enough to put me into a frenzied sensory seizure. Even perfume shopping online I like to convince myself that my monitor is scratch and sniff. But where fragrances truly get me, is from their names. God bless you, whoever names fragrances and perfumes. You have probably made millions you brilliant, genius, bastards.  I pose just one question…how do you know what “Skinny Dipping” smells like? And what kind of skinny dipping are you doing? My skinny dipping smells more like sweat and shame than anything else, do you think you could add those top notes to it? Other fragrance names that I stand in question:

Love Spell-sounds like it should smell like salty tears and eye of toad a little bit more.

Affliction- I’m sorry I just can’t commit to something that is a synonym for disease. If I wanted to smell like disease then I’d live in a hospital or be a 

hobo.

Aqua Kiss-sounds like a euphemism for drowning…apparently drowning smells delightful.

Succulent Kiss-Am I supposed to make out with a strawberry? That is my body shape you know…

Fierce-Bears are fierce. Wolverines. Are. Fierce. They’re also filthy. So I would like to smell like I hibernated in a poo cave for 6 months…my how sexy.

Provocative Angel-Sacrilege! Lightning bolts upon you!!!

All that being said, well played you, the genius bastard. You had me at Obsession.

Blood Work Fancy Style

I went to get my blood work done today because Dr. Jeong thought I should just do the entire physical.  Unfortunately, I had to have it done while fasting, and because I consumed a whopping 4 Cadbury mini-eggs yesterday, I had to wait until today.  Whiskey went with me because she had to leave a little sample upstairs in Dr. Jeong's office, and the lab is in the same community of offices.

When I go in, I sign in of course.  They ask me for a slip, and the only one I have from the doctor I hand over.  She informs me that the paper is for a pap smear, and she's never done one there, so maybe I have the LAB slip.  Yeah, she was laughing.  Yeah, I was laughing.  Yeah, I AM AN IDIOT!  So I run my butt (okay, let's be real, I took the elevator) up to Dr. Jeong's, and they inform me that they submitted the paperwork electronically.

I head BACK to the lab.  I have to wait this time because they're busy with others.  Finally it is my turn.  It takes the lady a little time to get my paperwork pulled up and filled in, etc.  A student is also there in the lab practicing, and I'm praying like crazy that I don't get the student because I just don't do well with blood draws typically anyway.  I get anxiety, and I've nearly passed out before.  Not to mention that I have awful veins, so I'm paranoid the student is going to dig around to find something.

The student IS the one who is going to do my blood draw.  I start panicking a little in my mind, so what do I do?  I turn to my go-to and start charming them with my whit and humor.  They kept checking each of my arms and feeling me up all over.  They were having discussions about my little veins right in front of me.  It was slightly awkward, so I said, "Wow, I feel like a science experiment!"  To which both women began cackling hysterically.  I suppose in a place where you draw blood all the time, many people aren't too enthusiastic.

The student finally decides upon a vein, and she re-ties the little stretchy tourniquet.  She asks me if it's too tight, to which I reply, "Well it doesn't really matter. I'm not going to be here all day with this thing on my arm!"  Evidently, they found this funny too.  They said it's nice to have someone pleasant and positive coming in with a sense of humor.  Why yes it is.  Now please someone other than the student draw my blood!

The student drew my blood, it wasn't that bad.  She found the vein, first try.  I was relieved.  It was over.  She was pressing so hard on my arm though, I have indentations of her fingers....yes, I realize that I am incredibly pale, this could have something to do with it.

Meanwhile, Whiskey was waiting for me, sending me texts about being the life of the party.  I can't help that I use humor to lighten the mood.  I can't help that everyone liking me is my thing.  God gave me a fun personality, I'm grateful!  It definitely keeps me from sobbing in my bed all day long, like I'd really like to!!

Thank You Dr. Jeong, I've Been Persuaded!

I think I am over my fear of Asian Persuasions.  Whiskey wasn't kidding when she said that Dr. Jeong is amazing.  Let me explain my visit.

I arrived with time to spare.  When they called me back, the nurse asked why I looked so familiar to her since I was a new patient.  I told her that I'd attended an appointment with Whiskey, and that's probably why she remembered me.  I sat down at her little computer to give her my background info, then it was time to go back to the exam room.  She pulled out the paper top and the cover for the bottom and said that I would be receiving a breast exam.  YES! Just what I was hoping for.  She also said to keep my clothes on so that Dr. Jeong could meet me fully dressed first.  How kind and thoughtful!

When Dr. Jeong came in, he shook my hand, and they were surprisingly warm.  He sat and briefly reviewed my gynecological history.  He asked if I was content with just one child.  I said, uh yeah, I have no intention of getting pregnant anytime soon, and I actually wanted to talk about my contraceptive options.  He kept questioning my decision to have more kids.  He said I am too young, I shouldn't rule it out.  I told him that I had obviously done nothing to prevent pregnancies, and I was sick of having horrendous, irregular periods. 

He asked me again if I really wanted thought I was done with kids.  I think the man just likes a challenge.  He said if I changed my mind, he might be able to help me out.  I told him that I'd done some extensive things, everything up to doing in vitro.  Then I gave my history.  I said, "Dr. so and so in (former city I've lived in)", and then I paused and said, "let me phrase this correctly.  Dr so and so assisted my husband and I in conceiving our child.  I didn't want to say that Dr. so and so got me pregnant because that just wouldn't sound right.  It wasn't his baby."  I thought Dr. Jeong was going to fall out of his chair laughing.  Then he proceeded to inform me of getting an IUD, which is his recommendation for me.

After that, it was time for him to step out and for me to get naked.  As I was stripping, I could hear him repeating my discussion about Dr. so and so assisting me vs knocking me up.  Everyone was laughing.  Glad I could be the bright spot on their otherwise dreary Monday!

I will say that the exam portion went very quickly, and Dr. Jeong is as swift as an eagle.  It was virtually painless.

**Side Note--they pulled out these creepy stirrups for me to put my feet in.  I actually had to take a picture of them.
 

 He asked me about my c-section and why it was necessary.  He asked how big my baby was, and I said 8 pounds, 13 ounces, and he went off about how that's a huge baby.  I informed him that I'm not a small person, and I didn't really think that was too big of a baby.  Then it was time for him to do the breast exam.  He told me that I should be doing them at home, and I could just have my husband help me.  Uh, no thanks.  I'm getting divorced after all. 

When I was finished, they were sending me back to a receptionist to verify that my insurance would cover the IUD, etc.  Dr. Jeong came up, and I got to ask him one finally question for Whiskey.  I asked him if it was safe for pregnant women to go tanning.  I said, "Whiskey wants to know because, to be honest, she's looking a little ashy.  She needs to get in and get some color!"  Again, I thought he was going to die laughing.  The receptionist said, "wow, you are really funny!"  I was thinking, yeah, wave my co-pay, I am really funny!

So now I am thinking that I could be about the Persuasion.  All my previous encounters are washed away with one amazingly swift-handed Dr. Jeong.  So thanks for bringing me over to the dark side.

Fancy Has "The Sickness"

Whatever the sickness is, I have it.  Fancy's not so fancy today.  Must stay awake and study.  Must not cave and go back to bed.  I am really whiny, and I need someone to pet my hair...

You and Me Going Shittin' in the Dark

Well more like YOU going shitting in the dark.  Let's begin with this:  Fancy Jr  was NOT born in a barn.  Despite Fancy being "plain white trash" she actually bathes daily and requires her child to do the same.  With that said, here's the poop, I mean scoop.
Fancy and Fancy Jr were over at Whiskey's.  The kids were all playing happily outside, since the weather was warm today.  Whiskey Jr. #1 came in for a minute, then went back outside.  A few minutes later, she came back and told Whiskey, "I snuck a roll of toilet paper because Fancy Jr is outside pooping in our hideout."  Whiskey and I looked at each other with horror, when I immediately got up and headed outside.  Whiskey, never surprised by the crazy of children, remained in her seat, laughing hysterically!  When I got outside, there in a cluster of pine trees in a squatting position was FJ.  Fancy called for Whiskey to grab her camera because she wanted to document this momentous occasion.  FJ was embarrassed and tried to move all around.  I told him to finish his business (I mean come on, what would you have done in this situation?) and to come into the house.  He quickly finished what he was doing, and he came into Whiskey's.  I told him to wash his hands.  He was wearing his boots, and he tracked poop ALL OVER WHISKEY'S HOUSE!  Whiskey, as friend of the year, cleaned up all of the dung from all over the carpet. 
Fancy began gathering her things and told Fancy Jr to get out into the car.  Fancy walked away with her head in shame.  Whiskey wants me to mention, and we call HER white trash.  How will I ever live this down?!
**Side Note--Fancy Jr received a note home today, stating that he was given an award by a teacher for his manners...apparently, he always opens doors for others, and he was congratulated.
These two stories both took place in the same day.  I swear it was a gift from the God of Irony!
Just when we think that we might be running out of funny material for our blog, events like this unfold.  I wish that we could blog about fiction, but nope, our non-fiction lives are way too exciting to NOT share with everyone out there.  

Got AIDS?

This is a story from LONG ago, but it is one that must be told in order for people to see the inner-workings of Fancy.

In my junior year of high school, I was enrolled in a drama class.

**Side Note--I really thought it would teach me how to deal with drama.  Boy was I wrong!

One day, I was leaving before drama (which was 7th period) so that I could hit up the mall before going to my piano lesson, which was an hour away.  I had permission, don't worry.  I was a good kid! :)  As I was leaving, I told my friend to tell the teacher that my boyfriend had tested HIV positive, and that I was leaving school early to go and get tested myself.  She actually did it!

**Side Note--I was the biggest virgin in my entire high school!

The days went by, and the drama teacher would ask my cousin and my friend if I was okay and if I'd received the results of the test.  Each day, they told her not yet, not yet.

My birthday was right around the corner, and our stake president's daughter made some AIDS support ribbons for our entire class.  Just before 7th period, we all put on a ribbon.  When the teacher asked what they were for, everyone told her they were in support of me and my boyfriend...that I still hadn't received the test results, but they wanted me to know that they had my back, even if I did have HIV/AIDS.

After a few weeks, my friend finally told the teacher that my test results had come back and were negative.  She actually said she was relieved and that she had been really worried about me and praying for me.  Freak, now what do I do?  So, being a really honest person, I confessed the entire truth to the teacher.  I told her I felt bad for lying, and I was still a virgin, so there was no way that I had contracted HIV/AIDS.  To my surprise, she actually wasn't that mad.  She just said that I shouldn't say things like that to people or make them feel bad.  She is right, I probably shouldn't have done it.

In my defense, as previously stated, I was the biggest virgin in my entire high school.  So really, should she have been surprised?  I mean there were only 550 kids in the entire school, and the LDS kids were very known...plus she knew my sister....it's her own damn fault she was so stupid! lol

Getting Frisky in the House of the Lord

In November and December, a few of the nipples had the opportunity to attend the temple with three wonderful couples from church who were being sealed together.  After the very last sealing was finished, we were standing in the waiting room chit-chatting with some of the other members of our ward who were also there to show support and love.  Suddenly, I tried to look for Whiskey, and I thought she was behind me.  I turned.  My hand turned with me, and it connected to the crotch of an older, random gentleman that I did not know, at all!  Feeling ashamed of myself, I gave a quick apology, and then I bolted straight for Whiskey.  I told her what I had done, right there in the temple.  I felt up some other old lady's husband.  With red cheeks, I told Whiskey of my indiscretion.  The bishop was there, and I actually thought Whiskey might just run over and tell him I needed a confessional.  However, she didn't.  Instead, she told EVERYONE what I had done, right there IN the temple.  Again, don't bring Whiskey with you into really reverent places.  However, if you want felt up, come with me.  Apparently I'm good at doing it on the fly IN the temple.  CREEPY!

~Fancy

Super size me!

One of the Nipples, we won't say who, had to poop in a McDonalds cup as a young child.  Oh hell, it was me Whiskey!  But I didn't destroy the bathroom in the former post "Destroyer of Bathrooms!"

Here is the experience in it's fullest most raw form.

One day when I was a child I was on my way to a indoor soccer game with my parents.  My parents had to make a detour to Walmart.

***Side note: I hate Walmart!

While they were leisurely taking their time in the store I suddenly felt the urge to take a giant crap!  I couldn't leave the car because I had to watch my younger sibling who was in the car with me.

***Side note: My sibling was an infant and I didn't want to unbuckle and get them out of their car seat.

I waited and waited for as long as I could, with clenched butt cheeks, until I felt as though I might die.  The turkey goobles in my stomach were growing wildly out of control!  Panicked I knew I was going to poop my pants.  What could I do?!  I frantically looked around and saw  what was to me the holy grail of cups.  It was a large cup from Mcdonalds that had been left in the back seat of our SUV.  I looked around and thanked the good Lord that our windows were tinted and then I pulled pants down and took a dump in the cup!

I can't lie I felt so relieved after taking a swirly crap in that cup.

Now I had a McDonalds cup full of crap.  What was I going to do with it?  The car started to smell and the feeling of panic began to rush over me again.  Sweating I looked around.....and then I saw it, the garbage can near the front of the store.  I jumped out of the car and ran with my cup O' crap and threw it into the garbage can as quickly and as inconspicuously as possible.

I get back to the car and five minutes see my parents walking out of the store.  I buckled my self up and sat hoping I wouldn't be found out.

***Side note: I did wipe with baby wipes from the diaper bag.

My parents get into the car and notice the smell.  At this point I was so happy to have a sibling that was still an infant.  My mom got the baby out of the seat, checked his diaper and said, " Wow Johny must have had gas.  He really smelled up the car!"

I laid back in my seat and chuckled to myself .  I just let my infant brother take the blame for my smelly crap!

Kid Napping Whiskey Jr. #2

Can I start this post by saying that I am a giant ass?!

Last night after running to Walmart with Fancy, we pull up to my house and Whiskey Jr. #2 is sitting on the front step all alone.  Mind you it was 8:30pm.   I knew my husband was near by but wanted to give him a scare. 

Fancy and I Whisper shouted to Whiskey Jr. #2 and told him to get into the car with us.  We then proceeded to hide for about a minute.  While we were hiding out I started to feel really bad about the entire idea...but that didn't stop me from doing it.  

***Side note: This situation reminded me about this time when I was in high school.  I went river rafting and on my way home I had to call my parents for something but instead told them I was in the hospital.  Long story short that plan back fired and my parents were pissed.  I guess not everything I do is as funny as I think it is.  You would think that by now I would know better.  

Meanwhile I called my husband and told him I was on my way home and asked if he has put the kids in the tub yet.  Lets just say he was flipping out about not being able to find Whiskey Jr. #2!!!! I had only had him long enough to turn around at the stop sign at the end of our street.  I told Little Papa that I had our kid.  He was sooooo pissed at me and I don't blame him. 

At that point the joke wasn't so funny any more and I started to feel sick.  I had to go home to the wrath of LP!    Fancy automatically bailed and said that she had nothing to do with it....I'm pretty sure I remember that jack ass taunting Whiskey Jr. #2 to get into the car with me.  

After apologizing and telling LP how horrible that idea was he decided to love me again.  We then had hot steamy sex and everything was well again in the land of Tango.  

Fancy cracks me up...

I pull up to get Fancy for our Sonic run and she instantly calls me. I answer and she tells me to look in her front window. Of course I do, low and behold there she is in all of her glory waving at me in her underwear! Was I surprised by this....no bc the night before she mooned me at walmart.

To make this sonic run even better when Fancy came out to the car she was wearing black jeans and a bright yellow sweater! Her attire made me crave a big jar of honey.

So we get to Sonic and Fancy gets out of the car, goes to her own speaker and places her order instructing the car hop to bring her food to the passenger side of the car next to us.  She is so bossy!  While eating her french toast sticks, Fancy practically pours syrup all over her self....and then licks it off of her sweater! And they call me Whiskey Tango. Then again she might have been born just plain white trash but Fancy was her name!


 The day gets even better! Fancy asked me to drop her off at walmart so she could get meds for "the sickness." I think its all in her head personally!
As I'm sitting in my car Blogging about Fancy's underwear my kids yell out, " there's fancy!" I thought they were lying until I saw her in her bright yellow sweater searching for my car in the parking lot. Instead of waving her down I sat andthe watched her panic and walk around for awhile. Soooo funny! When she finally saw me laughing at her I quickly snapped a pic of the damn fool. Good times for me!


Whiskey


Okay, now it's MY turn to tell the events.  In my defense, I was scrambling to get ready in the 30 minute time slot I was given.  For once, Whiskey was actually ON time.  That should express her love of fast food and sonic.  I put on my black jeans first, then, looking over at my closet the bright, yellow sweater stood out, so I just grabbed it.  Once it was on my person, I realized that I looked a little bumble-bee-ish, but, I was trying to speed along the process.  Plus, until seeing these pictures, I didn't realize that sweater was so bright.  BUT, seeing it makes me just want to wear it more often because I like to be the center of the universe, and that sweater might help me get recognized.

Now, that syrup incident. That is 100% truth.  The picture doesn't lie.  I can't even try to say I didn't do it.  You would too, don't lie!

So the Wal-Mart thing...I mean come on.  Whiskey is a HUE JASS.  Plain and simple.  But damn, I was rocking that bright, yellow sweater!

~Fancy

Fast Fooding

My names is Whiskey Tango and I have an addiction.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I can't help it!  My oldest offspring calls my addiction "Fast Fooding."    I've tried over and over to stop buying fast food but I can't.  I think about making lunch or dinner and then those golden arches come into my mind or the taste of Pepsi from Taco Hell teases my taste buds.

I find myself hiding receipts only to be called out when my husband looks at our bank statements.  But I can't take all of the blame, he has a problem too and we enable one another.  Last week we swore fast fooding off and then what do we do the next day...go to Wing Stop.

This addiction is out of control!  Today I make a online promise that after I go to Sonic with Fancy for lunch I won't buy fast food again for the rest of the month..... Wish my fat pregnant butt luck....I can do this!!!!

My order at Sonic consisted of :

• One large Dr. Pepper
• One order of french toast sticks
• One order of sweet potato tots
• A grilled cheese

I ate it all.....

I'm eating a tot, driving and trying to drink my Dr. Pepper...talent!!

The Spiritual Side of Fancy

In an effort to expose my more religious side, I am taking the advice of Whiskey and posting some things that are occurring in my spiritual life.  I wrote this last night in my journal blog that I began when I asked my husband for a divorce.  So here are some of the things that are happening in a great way because of my relationship with my Heavenly Father. 

Last night, we (Fancy Jr. and I) were reading 2nd Nephi Chapter 4.  In this chapter, Lehi is giving blessings to his children and their posterity and then basically having his farewell, as he is about to die.   I loved verse 15, about midway through where Nephi says, "For my soul delighteth in the sciprtures, and my heart pondereth them, and writeth them for the learning and the profit of my children."  I love that this verse was Nephi expressing his desire for his children to know how he feels and what he believes.  I think that's what I want for my own child.  I want him to know how I feel, what I believe, and what I know to be true. 

Later, a few verses down, Nephi refers to himself as a wretched, wicked man.  Now I wouldn't use those words to describe the Nephi from the scriptures.  He was continually choosing the right.  I suppose it just goes to show that we are all human with human weakness and error.  However, these verses touched me.  In verses 20 and 21 it says, "My God hath been my support he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.  He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh."  These verses just made me want to cry.  It made me realize that in my current "wilderness" I know that Heavenly Father is my support.  He is the rock upon which my foundation is built.  He does show me His love every day.  I am so grateful for these scriptures!  They are ones that I want to remember, so I am writing them down.

I am so thankful that Heavenly Father lets me know, through The Book of Mormon, that I will be okay, that he is my Father, and that he loves me very much.  I am so grateful that I am taking the opportunity to grow spiritually through these difficult times.  I know that if I put my trust and faith in the Lord, I will be okay, and that ultimately so will my child.  I am very thankful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

Whiskey Jr. #3

Yesterday my family and I had the privilege to see our sweet baby Whiskey jr. #3 in a ultra sound at Dr. Joeng's office.   Being pregnant is such a honor and to be able to actually see the sweet spirit you are getting ready to welcome into the world is one of the most special experiences.

Whiskey jr. #3

As I was laying on the table while the ultra sound tech did her thing, I looked around at the faces of my family. It was so fun to watch their eyes light up when Whiskey jr. #3 showed up on the screen!  Each face full of love and excitement for our new addition.  I could feel the tears swelling in my eyes, there was so much love in the room.  I am so grateful for my little family and to be able to bring into the world another one of Heavenly Fathers sweet spirits. 

***Side note: I'm not all jokes and sarcasm...I have a good side ;)

The Pregnant Wrath of Whiskey

Whiskey drug Fancy's fat ass down to Hastings one afternoon.  She was looking for her hippie books.  She bought a book, but when she got home realized it wasn't exactly what she wanted.  Therefore, she called up Fancy and asked her to again drive her to Hastings to exchange the book.  First, Fancy made Whiskey get something to eat with her--a garlic-filled dinner with SHITTY service, which put them in a mood to begin with.  When they finally hit Hastings, they returned the book, and Whiskey decided to go back and have a looksie again.  When they got to her hippie section, which was strategically placed next to the "sex" section, there was a group of nasty-ass teenagers.  Fancy was quite pleased that she could browse the sex section while Whiskey looked for her books about "chakra charging."  While the two nipples indulged themselves in their dirty materials, the group of teens turned vulgar.  They were loudly making commentary about sexual positions.  At first we were intrigued.  How could teens know as much as old-time sexers?  Eventually the comments turned really raunchy and totally inappropriate for a public place.

 This talk fired up poor Whiskey.  She decided to take action.  She went to the front of the store and asked to speak to a manager.  When Whiskey expressed her concern and frustration about the situation, the manager, who looked like a deer in the headlights, lost all coloring in his face.  He did NOT want to deal with this problem.

Fancy and Whiskey went the back way to the section and resumed their browsing.  They overheard the manager quietly informing the teens that their behavior wasn't appropriate and that someone had complained.  We could overhear the kids talking about their previous conversation and how they could do whatever they wanted.  In the end, they left the store. 

Never mess with a pregnant Whiskey!  No one can match her wrath.  Just ask Little Papa.  She has beat him into submission.  Like the black widow that she is, I'm surprised she hasn't eaten him by now.  Just ask Paul Bunyan.  She's just a high maintenance beotch!

Free Mustache Rides

Since the falling out of Fancy and her estranged husband Big Papa, Whiskey has been trying to keep her mind from the collateral damage of divorce.  Fancy, after having her eyebrow nearly ripped completely off by a persuasion, sought the help of Whiskey in making it look a little more natural and full.  Whiskey decided to give Fancy a new look, aka the BAJ.  With brown corrector in hand, she began to apply thick, angry looking eyebrows.  If she had a hue JASS, she would have looked EXACTLY like BAJ.   

There's something about Fancy

Whiskey soon found herself a little pencil happy, and she decided to give Fancy and even fancier look. Thus she went with a mustache and a uni-brow. To be honest, I don't think Fancy's ever looked better. Here's the proof!

THE NUB CLUB!

Two summers ago, Whiskey was in a horse riding accident and lost half of her right thumb.  It was traumatic not being able to curl or straighten her hair.  We'll refer to that as the summer of frizz. Word spread fast that Whiskey Jr. #2 actually DIED, instead of the death of Whiskey's thumb.  Her first Sunday back to church after the accident, people were asking her if her son was okay.  She had to explain that it was her THUMB not her SON that was lost.

**Side Note--we live in a mountain community where the IQ is at an all-time low.  Thus the nipples are considered pillars in the community.

After the first church service, an older gentleman approached Whiskey and was asking about her thumb.  He then proceeded to show her his own missing finger and informed her that she now belonged to an elite club among the older men in church called the Nub Club.

**Side Note this gentleman's wife looks EXACTLY like a who from Whoville.  In fact, they asked her to play Cindy Lou Who's grandma at our church Christmas party.  

 Immediately after that, in the second service of church, Whiskey found herself sitting next to an older woman, whom we call P. Diddy.

**Side Note--Now P. Diddy has crazy, bright, frizzy, unnatural red hair.  She is an absolutely and utterly INSANE old-ass lady.

P. Diddy also started asking Whiskey about her thumb, at which point she took her shoe off and showed Whiskey a toe that had been cut off and sewn back on.   Whiskey was totally creeped out.  The image of the creepy toe is forever burned into her memory as is the thought of belonging to an old man's nub club.

**Side Note--that same summer, Tassels was planting a twig in her backyard.  She tripped over the shovel and broke her arm, which required surgery and the placement of a rod.  Poor Tassels.  Poor, poor Tassels.  How is it to fly Tassels?  Do they have to do a body scope with their little medal detector?  I hope that no cavity search is involved.

Team Edward

Fancy gazed out the window from her couch (while on the phone with Whiskey) watching the snow fall.  She turned her back for two seconds, when she heard a knock at the door.  Thinking it was just the mail man for his usual drop by, she hit the floor with her legs spread wide (she has a redhead, obviously this wasn't her first encounter with the mail man).  After about 5 minutes of no one mounting her, she got up, only to see an unfamiliar red truck and someone in a cowboy hat.  Since the delay occurred, she felt awkward at having to go outside and confront her cowboy.  So she hid inside her house, like she wasn't home.  All this time, she was still on the phone with Whiskey, who at that point was trying to help her figure out this mystery cowboy.

Suddenly, she heard a noise, like a vibrator turned up to full speed, but it wasn't, much to her dismay.  Instead, it was a snow blower.  The cowboy man was plowing Fancy's driveway.  Fancy kept trying to catch a glimpse of this mystery man, yet she didn't want him to see her because then it would get even more awkward.

His skin was like diamonds.  It reminded her of a character from a movie. She thought it was Edward from Twilight, but then realized he was Mexican, and his skin wasn't glistening because it was made out of diamonds.  It was just because he's Mexican and sweaty.  Fancy described him to Whiskey, and she instantly knew with her killer Mexican instinct, exactly who he was.  The kicker, his name is actually Edward, and he is my home teacher.  Thanks Mr. Ed for plowing my driveway.  I won't be returning any favors, especially those that involve blowing.

Fancy Goes to Church

Today I tried to blog FROM church, twice, on my phone, but for some reason it wasn't working, so now I am home blogging about the crazy shit that took place this day.

First off, Bushy got up today to do a little talking.  She was shedding some fake tears and expressing her love for the area in which we live, and that she felt like they were supposed to move here, blah, blah, blah.  Really, I just wanted to pull out my flat iron and straighten her freaky hair.  I sent Whiskey a text and told her to throw a shoe at her.  Ultimately, I had to refrain from standing up in the middle of the crowded chapel and tell everyone what a horrible, rude, and self-righteous person Bushy is.  I wanted to let them know that she thinks very highly of herself and looks down upon the rest of us who are not quite up to par in her opinion.

The next problem that arose was from an 18 year old who gets up month after month after month.  Maybe next month I will sit in front of her, and I'll give her a little trip on her way up to the microphone.  This girl though, we will call A for ANNOYING...well that and her real name starts with an A.  She seriously cries and sounds so damn fake. It's like my ears bleed the second she opens her mouth.  Today she discussed how fast little kids grow up, and how one of the kids is in a kindergarten class that she is helping in for some school project.  I wanted to say, really? kids grow up fast?  really? do you have a freaking kid?  if not, then do you really have the right to say that right now?  I don't think so.  Next month, do us all a favor and stay seated.  Don't ramble about how you're amazing; quite frankly, you are freaking annoying and your fake, airhead, cute act is just that, FAKE, and like fake boobs, you've gotta go!

We were graced by some creeper, too. I just love it when people who you don't know, and who aren't even a part of your congregation stand up to share a little something.  There should be rules against this.  They should be stamped on the doors or published in the program or something.  Now this creeper got up and talked about how he almost died in some sort of car accident.  Call me insensitive here, but I JUST DON'T CARE!  I don't know you.  I don't care about your past.  What I do care about, however, is the fact that you need a freaking hair cut!  So please, do yourself, and really me, a favor and cut your damn hair.  While you're at it, the pervert glasses and creepy facial hair should go, too.

Steve Buschemi was also a part of this fiasco.  He discussed his love of the members of our congregation and how he was going to be sad when they moved at the end of the month.  Yes, like any greasy used-car-salesman, I bet you do love us all!  I wanted to stand up and give a big HALLE-FREAKING-LLUJAH you're leaving!!!!  I wanted BAJ to get up, but alas she didn't.  Damn her! 

The final kicker was the little child who was SCREAMING his head off.  It was as if someone was trying to amputate his arm with no anesthesia.  Get off your lazy ass and remove your child from the room.  Go to the hallway where he can WAIL to his heart's content.  Oh wait, don't do that.  Let him stay in a room with 200+ people who can't hear jack shit, except your screaming child.  It is really no inconvenience at all.

Oh, just the thought of having to repeat this episode again in 3 short weeks has me thinking maybe that will be the day that I STAY HOME!  My immature, rude self cannot handle a repeat of this day that soon.

REM Said it Best

Everybody hurts, sometimes! This statement is all too true!! Seems like this is the story of my relationship life. I'm always the one feeling hurt in the end, and I don't like it. I know I can be difficult, but I'm tired of being hurt by others. I'm ready to just be by myself for a while. It seems like I'm the only person I can trust at the end of the day! Thank you to all those who promised to never hurt me, and in the end, that's exactly what they've done! ~Fancy

Fancy's Conceited Take 2

I look damn good today, so I'm sharing with the world...

Glasses or...

No Glasses?

Whiskey Can't Be Alone With Missionaries

Fancy here relating the following creeper missionary story about Whiskey.

Whiskey was once meeting with the missionaries to help team teach someone who was investigating our church.  She decided that it would be a good idea to invite me along.  I went with her, and boy am I glad that I did.  One of us had to be mature....

The lesson was on the law of chastity, which means that you aren't supposed to have sexual relations with anyone unless it is your spouse.

After explaining the concept to the investigator, one of the missionaries said, "Sister Whiskey, what do you think are some blessings for obeying the law of chastity?"

Whiskey's response was, "Well I obey the law of chastity so that I don't get an STD!" 

You can tell that the missionaries wanted to crawl under a rock and rot there for the remainder of their missions after this statement. 

Thankfully I was there, and I was able to use my spirituality to bring us back to a more Christ-centered response. 

Needless to say, I should always be at any lesson Whiskey is participating in.  I really am glad that I don't have a teenager, as she teaches them in church.  I wouldn't want my kid to come home and ask me about STD's.  I'd much rather him learn this crap in the public school system and NOT from Whiskey Tango!

Cherries for the Poppin'

One night Whiskey and Fancy were out with another friend getting some appetizers.  Whiskey and Fancy hadn't been to this particular restaurant before, but we should have been clued in that it was a little off because they had swingers music, aka a live jazz/blues singer.  The lights happened to be turned down low, way, way low. 

**Side Note--this shouldn't have been a problem for Fancy since she is a pedophile.  She was taking pictures of creepers throughout the restaurant.

The waiter was tall, young, and VERY friendly.  While trying to decide what we wanted to order, Whiskey asked him a question about something that she'd never before tried.  His response was, "You should try that.  There's a first time for everything.  It will pop your cherry for sure."

We aren't exactly sure what was said.  We were a little shell-shocked that a virtual stranger would be saying the words, "pop your cherry" at all to any one of us.

Needless to say, he took REAL GOOD CARE OF US and we in turn took care of him, with an extra big tip and Fancy's phone number.  

I swear, there's never a dull moment when the nipples go out on the town!

It's Not Easy Being Blind....

One night we needed to get out of the house, and we decided to just grab a hot cocoa and go for a drive.  After driving for about 30-40 minutes, we ended up at The Resort to get some appetizers.  Whiskey, who was looking the Whiskey Tango part, was embarrassed, as were Tassels and Fancy because we were not dressed to go to The Resort.  We were in pajamas and or sweats and none of us looked good at all.  The ever-clever Whiskey put her sunglasses on, even though it was 8 p.m. and winter.  It was then and there decided that Whiskey was going to be blind.  She grabbed a hold of Tassel's shoulder, and Tassels led the way into the restaurant.

  As we sat down, the waitress went to hand Whiskey a menu, and Fancy quickly grabbed the menu and said, "She really can't see that, so no need to give it to her."  The waitress quickly retrieved it and said, "Oh well I wasn't sure, but yeah, you're right."  She was seriously second-guessing herself. 

When the waitress brought the nipples their beverages, Whiskey's had a very special, bendy straw in it.  This was to help her to find her mouth better and make her able to drink.

Throughout our time at the restaurant, Tassels and Fancy were describing people to Whiskey, so that she would know who her "neighbors" were.  Tassels began by going into detail, quietly, about the the people sitting next to us in their booth.  She described their attire, their hair color, their ages, etc.  Fancy, ever the loud-mouth began describing an old dude who was sitting straight across from the nipples' table.  Her description included the word creeper, and Whiskey could hardly contain her laughter watching the old man's reaction to his description through the glasses.

Fancy, who was getting tired, giggly, and all around crazy as a result of her blind friend, took a sip of her water and suddenly burst into laughter.  She then began choking on her water and coughing really loudly and violently.  She turned to the side of the table and spit the water everywhere, as well as had it dripping out of her nose.  Oh the burn of that water.  Whiskey was witnessing the diners around them, and they were disgusted with Fancy's near-vomitting experience.  Especially a couple, who was clearly on a date and NOT amused. 

During their appetizer-munching the nipples ran into someone they knew.  Whiskey shouted out, "Tyler, Tyler where are you?  Where you at?"  Several heads turned as Tyler came over to their table.  Whiskey had to tell him on the down low that she was blind.

Finally, much to the delight of the other patrons, the nipples were finished at The Resort.  When leaving, Whiskey intentionally left her napkin tucked into her shirt as she was led out of the restaurant by Tassels.  Meanwhile, Whiskey watched the bus boy, panicking.  He wanted to say something about the napkin, but didn't quite know how to approach a disabled person.  Whiskey had to stifle laughter while witnessing his reaction.  Just then, Whiskey decided to remember her napkin, and she said while patting her chest, "Oh, oh, am I still wearing my napkin?"  That's when the bus boy ran to her aid and collected the napkin.

On the way out, while still pretending to be blind and under the guidance of Fancy, poor Whiskey had to run into some columns.  I guess Fancy isn't very good at steering a blind ship.  Whiskey, never breaking character nailed those pillars like a champ.

DISCLAIMER: We are huge advocates for people with disabilities.  Each of us has someone that we are related to who has some sort of disability, even Tassels because she has a Princess Charming. 

I Feel Like a Pedophile

Just because I'm related to a Chester, doesn't necessarily make me one.  With that said, I will say that a favorite past time at a certain local water park is to take pictures of creepers.  Sometimes these little offenders are in the form of children.  I cannot discriminate.  A creeper is a creeper is a creeper.  I will let the following pictures do the rest of the explaining.

Fatty Creeper, aka Fat kid in a tiny life jacket.  Sing it with me now, Tommy Boy Style: "Fat kid in a tiny life jacket! Fat kid in a tiny life jacket!"

Fatty wolfing down a ton of food...nice crack little buddy

Look, it's Goldie Hawn sunbathing.  Goldie, did you gain some weight during menopause?

Now let me leave you with the grand Finale of water park creepers...what child (or even adult) wears an effing Speedo?  EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Whiskey's Summer Trend

Unlike the glasses, this Summer trend of Whiskey's didn't catch on.  For you see, while at a very packed local water park with many a beached whale, a certain bird decided to hone in on Whiskey.  Since life is all about Fancy, the bird missed her, and shit right up on Whiskey's neck.  Instead of helping Whiskey clean it up, Fancy made her stop and pose for a picture to put on Facebook for posterity of course.  Shit, (pun intended!) who were we fooling?  This was for straight up ridicule!!! 

Feel free to ridicule Whiskey yourselves when you see the picture!

Muff-Bumper

This could've been Fancy.  For you see, Fancy could have been a lesbian.  Let's walk  down Fancy's path to lesbianism. 

It all began when Fancy, the middle of three girls in her family, became taller than both of her sister.  Therefore, it became Fancy's job to always play the day or the brother when playing house.  In fact, Fancy's sisters made her even be a male teacher when she was the teacher at school. 

Fancy and her sisters would frequently get Barbie dolls for their birthdays or Christmas.  However, Fancy always received the Ken Barbie while her sisters got the Barbies in pretty dresses, signifying that Fancy was into the more masculine, manly type of Barbie.

Fancy's favorite color is also blue.  Maybe that should have tipped someone off.

The real reason that Fancy thinks that she could have been a carpet muncher occurred when she was eight years old. You see, Fancy and her sisters went in for a hair cut.  Little did Fancy know that her mom was going to experiment with Fancy, and Fancy alone.  This was a traumatic event for Fancy, and even now it is difficult to speak of.  Fancy's mom cut Fancy with SIDE BURNS!  Yes, like some little SIDE BURNS.  Some other little girl in the ward had side burns, so why not Fancy?  So poor Fancy had to endure her creepy little Mary-Macho hair cut.  She became the subject of much ridicule amongst her family because no one had ever seen a little girl with side burns before. 

It is such a shame that Fancy has had to endure the memory of the side burns for 20+ years...

Oh, and Fancy has a girlfriend.  Her name is Carol!

Summer of Glasses

The first summer I moved to my currently place of living, I wore fake glasses.  I told everyone I met that they were real.  I love lying to people I don't know very well...freak I love lying to people I've known for years!  Now that I think about it I did this in Young womens and at a new job once.  Hahahahaha!!!!

Tonight Fancy and I went to Claire's and bought ourselves a sweet new pair of fake glasses.  We look freaking hot by the way! Tassles needs to get a pair and post pics with ours on Sunday!

Ooooh SNAP!

Tassles

Fancy

Whiskey

Whiskey Tango Nachos!

Whiskey Tango Nachos are freaking amazazazing! They consist of the most unhealthy, dreadful and greasy substances.

Lays wave chips

Tons of cheese

Olives

Jalapenos

Tomatoes

Green onions 

Sour cream

I can't seem to get enough of them and luckily unlike the other nipples I don't get sick when I eat them! Score for Whiskey!

I Love the creeper in the background

 

Im a freaking hippie!

I'm Whiskey and I'm a hippie at heart.  If my husband would let me drive a VW bus I would.
For those who read this and don't know me...I am VERY open minded.
The other day Fancy and I made a trip to Hastings and I had to check out their books on hippie stuff. One of the books actually had a picture of Fancy and myself. Sadly it was too open minded for me but I did get a copy of the picture!

Code venting

At one time there was and still is this crotchety older woman at church that had it out for Fancy and me (whiskey). We wanted to chew her out so badly that we came up with a coded language. After laughing over the phone about our code venting we would post it on facebook and then feel satisfied with our rebellion.ch